He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and I felt that he was aroused. He got close to me and kissed my neck but all I could smell was that disgusting cigarette. I wasn’t looking at him at all which is why I barely remember what his face looks like – I don’t think I ever looked at him straight in the eye. He put his hand on my thigh again and started feeling me up – I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. The knife is right here if you’d like to stab me – but I know you won’t,’ he said.
He then answered ‘I’m not going to hurt you, we’re going to have fun and you want this. He took the knife out of my pocket and placed it on the dashboard of the car and said ‘Do you want to hurt me?’ I said ‘No, but I don’t want you to hurt me.’ He touched my thigh and felt the knife in my pocket. I kept quiet, even though I wanted to scream. He said ‘السكوت علامة الرضا’, which means ‘silence is a sign of acceptance.’ He looked at me and said ‘What do you want to do?’ I didn’t respond because I couldn’t say a word. He parked somewhere dark and under a tree – it was night time and I remember hearing the mosques calling for prayer. Note: The following content contains sexual violence. I felt numb – I couldn’t feel my legs and I couldn’t move.
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My voice was lost, as if I had never learned how to speak. I was watching boys walking down the street and all I wanted was to be them – I wanted to scream so badly but I couldn’t. I looked into people’s eyes hoping they’d understand what was about to happen. He kept driving and all I did was look out of the window, desperately hoping people passing me by would save me.
I felt like I was frozen in time, I felt my spirit slowly leaving my body and drifting away – I could feel my innocence being erased.Įven though he hadn’t touched me yet, I felt dirty. I had no idea where we were going, all I knew was the fear and terror that I was going through. I asked him ‘what do you mean?’ and without answering, he smiled at me and started driving. I got into his car without saying a word and he said: I was terrified – my legs were shaking, my head was rushing and my heart was beating so fast that my blood was boiling. I took a knife from the kitchen, hid it in my pocket, and told mama I was going to the store.Īs soon as I left the house, I don’t think anyone ever walked as slow as I did. I shut the door quickly and I texted him saying ‘I’m coming’. He told me that if I don’t go with him, he would tell my parents I’m gay. Luckily, mama was praying, so I opened the door to see him standing there. One time, he was standing outside our house and he saw my dad and three sisters leave – he came up to our house and he knocked on the door (not knowing that my Mom was there). He texted me multiple times to ask to see me and I kept saying no. Social media was not a thing back then (except Blackberry) and he basically knew everything. Now X knew my name, number, where I lived and where I studied. There was no way and no chance for me to tell my dad about this – I was as scared of my dad as I was X. He didn’t wave or do anything – he just stared at me until I got into the car and he drove behind us all the way to school. The next day, we were getting into my dad’s car to go to school and I saw him parked just next to our house with his window down, smoking a cigarette. I knew I was in trouble the second I got that message, so I didn’t respond. The Arab community can be very small and neighbours know each other like family. The fact that he had already investigated and found my name within an hour was terrifying. That message was one of the biggest threats that I feel I could ever receive.
He texted me later that night and said: ‘Nice meeting you Adnan’.